Death becomes me...

I have to tell you the truth. I felt really sad thinking bout Navee's dad. It's like I *earned* a new life after breaking up. And he lost his life. I feel like I robbed her dad's life so that I can continue with this life. It's two really different situations, but somehow rather strangely connected. I went for the funeral with my dad. Met up with the others at 1:30 p.m., saw Priam, Jho, Sham T., Jerry, Sree, Kalai K., Kay-C, Jaya, and Chang. It was sad to see the family cry. Some of my mates cried, somehow I only cried when they carried the body on the matress. Seeing Navee's mom crying *My husband...* made me cry for a while. The whole time they did the rituals, I didn't cry. It's a like I'm an emotionless robot, programmed not to cry at weddings or funerals. Maybe I inherited it from my dad, who had tears welled up in his eyes but managed not to cry (aww...he's not all that hard, he's got a soft spot too!). One thing I really hated the whole time the rites were going on, was the fact that the neighbours from Navee's block and other blocks were observing the whole time the funeral was going on! For God's sake, someone died, at least have some respect for the family! It's not some orchestra/movie/concert going on there! If only I could poke their eyes! Navee's grandmother (her dad's mother) was crying and said: *Why did you leave me? You're supposed to bury me when I die, not the other way around!*...Navee's sister was inconsolable so much that she said *Saya takkan percaya! Saya takkan percaya!*...and there was this Malay lady who mentioned something that almost meant *tanggung sendiri* but it seemed like I was the only one who heard it. At least, Navee was brave and strong when she was talking to us. And someone from the upper floor threw a piece of *keropok* at my feet! I felt as though my energy had been drained out of my body. And the thing that shocked me was that the father didn't die of a heart attack, but instead of an asthma attack! And I think I was the first friend to find out about it. She invited us to come on the 16th day prayers. And when is that? I don't know...but she'll inform me first, then I'll pass the message.

Priam asked me whether the bag that I brought was mine or my mother's. I said it was mine and that Swarna gave it to me. Swarna, this is the first time I'm using the bag you gave me for my 16th birthday (I know it's not a good occasion to use it, but I desperately needed a bag)! And I just realised something too. I have bags that match the wedding outfits, but I have no shoes to go with the bags *sniffles*! When I came home I noticed that my shoe strap marks were on my feet! I have been standing for 4 hours in that shoe! Ouch...my feet hurt!

Sham R. called me since she wanted to come over. But I told her that today might not be possible due to this incident. So she said she'll drop by tomorrow. Then Dayani called, asked bout Navee. Then Christina called, asking me whether she could come over tomorrow. And then Priya called to find out about Navee. See how significant I am in this house...LOL!

I have been thinking about it. I don't care if *he* died, but if anyone from my family gets hurt, I might not be able to take it. I am a family-orientated person...that's what I've always been and will always be. I love my family and friends more than anyone else. I mean it. And I noticed another bad thing...I curse easily. I keep saying foul language. But thankfully, my parents haven't heard me saying it in front of them. Otherwise, I might get slapped...LOL!

Sree told me to be strong, considering the break-up might affect me seriously. I am stronger than ever. I hugged them all. Then gave Priam, Chang and Kay-C a lift home. Dropped Priam first and then Chang. When we dropped Kay-C at the Sentul LRT station which was quite near to the temple they brought the body, she informed us that it was that temple where the body will be burned. And at that time, I saw the priest who was at Navee's house and saw the flames. So I guessed as much that the body had been burnt. I hardly cry at funerals. The only time I will cry is when they bring the body to the crematorium and I see them burn the body. But only a drop will flow. It's frightening to see the lifeless body being burnt like that, mercilessly. I think the only times I cried badly at a funeral was at my Pak Lang's funeral and my dad's closest friend's mother's funeral. Don't get me wrong. My Pak Lang was one man who would tease me everytime we meet. The *Dangerous Girl* was the nickname given to me by him. And that auntie, 2 weeks before she passed away, on her eldest son's wedding (he was the last to get married) she told me that for my wedding she wanted to see me wear a saree. She was also the one who made my *half-mancung* nose possible. Why *half-mancung*? My mother tried to make my nose a lot sharper, and ruined it!. But I have the sharpest nose in my family. I noticed it last night when I wrote a poem to mark the break-up in the dark. Well, not exactly in the dark. Had my torchlight to keep me company. I had this rare case of insomnia again! And also, I thought about Navee last night. Will update the other site http://derangedbutterfly.blogspot.com/ soon. I have been postponing that for quite some time already. Procrastination is a bad thing. LOL...

And Mar dear, thanks for reminding bout Reality Check 4. LOL...now I know how you felt when the closed the coffin on your late grandmother. Love you guys all the same. By the way, Della, not sure if you're reading this post, but if you are, remember William Quah? The one who hosted StarTrax some 2 years ago? Well now, he's reading news on NTV7. Why I brought this issue up? Remember you asked what type of guy I wanted? Well, someone who is like him perfectly would be nice. Smart, charming, intelligent, and comes from a mixed parentage! The last factor is very essential to me. I won't settle for ordinary blokes, the bloke I want must be incredibly unique...like ME! So Della, I answered your question already.

Good night...*Bluesy* out!