Moody and restless...

I am definitely NOT my *homely* self for the past 6 days, and I hate not being that person I used. It seems like everyone at home is somehow trying to put the blame on me, when it's not even my fault. I know I'm used to it, but for the past 6 days, I can't say the same. I feel like I can't say, make or do anything I feel like in the house. I feel like I'm wallowing in melancholy, prolonged sadness, and pathetic loneliness. I don't have anyone to talk to at home. And most of friends are busy with their exams, so I don't want to burden them with my pretty insipid problems. Though there's another four days till my 18th birthday, I just don't feel like celebrating it with all these things that are happening in my life. I mean, they'll just be nice to me for that one *so-called* happy day for me, then it's back to square one. I don't want to celebrate my birthday if this is the situation I have to deal with. I remember in school, I used to celebrate my birthday by bringing a birthday cake or even sweets. I remember how I loved celebrating my birthday with my mates, knowing how happy they'd make me feel, since it's my birthday. I just loved having my birthday celebrated with my friends, since I know that even though I may be sad at home, but when I come to school, there are people there who would somehow make me happy and feel really wanted. I felt really lucky having them as my friends. I always thought I made school as a place to forget my sorrows and reignite my happiness, even if it only lasted for 7 hours or so. I still do. Now, when I go to college in a bad mood, I'll be in a good mood during lectures. Because I know that there's someone who is bound to make me smile and laugh to forget all my woes.

Mar, this is the reason why I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I'll be content if someone just buys me a slice of chocolate cake. I don't even want to go out for a birthday dinner. Rather stay at home and worry bout other petty things like *How the peer counselling group on Friday is going to be like?*. I'm not myself. And I hate it, more than anyone else. So please, if you want to wish me, go ahead. I won't feel unhappy whatsoever. But try not to remind of the joys of turning 18 and the joys of turning a year older. I might go and just slap someone accidentally.

Just felt so awkward when Raviena called to wish me. I just wasn't SO excited about my birthday like everyone else, like I did before I had to go through my current ordeals in life. I wish I had someone next to me, so that I can pour out all my petty problems.

-Mar, I need you. More than ever.-

*Bluesy* out!